


Technicolour

by seaofblue



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance, taeten are side characters, told from the pov of Yuta
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-08-30 21:10:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8549218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seaofblue/pseuds/seaofblue
Summary: Life in this world is black and white until you fall in love with your soulmate. Yuta saw colour once, but his world has been cold and grey for many years. His girlfriend Jihye, however is living life in vivid technicolour.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yuta remembers seeing colour for the first time. He remembers the luscious green of the trees and the breathtaking vibrancy of the sun. How the golden sand shimmered and the ocean glistened. The world through Yuta’s eyes gained a whole new level of beauty that day, as dids she. He remembers the shine of her hair, and the sparkle in her warm brown eyes too.
> 
> Yuta also remembers the day he stopped seeing colour. He remembers when everything turned grey; monotone and heartless. He remembers his world being stripped of all its beauty, and all his happiness disappearing with it. Yuta remembers the last seconds, the hot crimson blood pouring down her ivory skin. He remembers her turning to stone; cold and stiff as the colour faded from her face. The world's colour followed quickly behind.
> 
> Now Yuta only wishes he could forget.

People always say “the good die young”, that they’re “taken too soon” or “gone before their time”. Yuta wondered what he had done to be denied such a privilege. Was it when he was nine and ran away from home because his mother refused to buy him a new Play-Station? Perhaps it was when he snuck out in the middle of the night to go to his first house party? Maybe because he cheated in his Finals of freshman year. Or the fact that despite dating Jihye for a year now, he was still in love with his ex?

Yuta already knew the answer already, but he was stuck in a sea of guilt and denial, desperately trying to stay afloat. But Yuta was sure he was only one wave away from drowning.

Jihye sat in the old, frayed armchair across from him, eyes refusing to meet his. Her slender arms rested on her knees, elbows digging in so much they created two splotches of what should have been colour. Head in her hands as she sighed once more, she tugged harshly at strands of hair.

Anger was one of the ugliest emotions, Yuta thought, but it was also one of the most colourful. It began as grey: eyes glazing over with disinterest and contempt. Then it was a white colour: paling knuckles balling into fists by your sides as your arms tremble with rage. Next was red: lips bitten in a futile attempt as restraint, faces flush with ferocity and frustration. After that there was purple: light-headed and short of breath, you huff and puff your final arguments away. Finally, there was black: slammed doors and heavy silences as you wonder how it ever got to this.

Yuta liked to think of emotions as colours. You could tell how someone felt just by looking at them—no matter how hard they tried to hide it—and Yuta could see it clearer than most. If emotions were colours, then it was almost like he could see those too.

Jihye tapped her foot on the scruffy floor, staring him in the eye to demand a response. The room was silent, aside from the rhythmic ticking of the clock on Yuta’s desk.  
“Yuta.”  
He sat still, flicking through his textbook (not that he could even focus anymore)  
“Yuta!” she slammed her fists into her lap before she stood, looking down as she towered above the sitting man. “For fucks sake, are you just gonna ignore me then? You won’t even argue back?”  
He bit his lip as he listened, curious to see how long it would take before she’d get fed up and leave. He should have felt guilty—she was definitely more justified in complaining that he was—but he was so stressed out that he wasn’t thinking straight.  
“You’ve been away for two whole weeks, and you can’t even find an hour to go get some coffee with me? I feel like I haven’t seen you in so long, Yuta.”  
He shifted in his seat slightly as he watched her eyes fall towards the ground as her hands unclench.  
“All I want is to spend a little time together… Is that really asking too much?”

Anger was an ugly emotion, but loneliness was the most pitiful. Yuta understood better than anyone what it was to feel alone. He knew exactly how it felt to stand in a crowd and still feel like you’re the only human on the planet.

He stood up from his seat, reaching a tentative hand out to stroke her silky hair. She turned her head away from his, now that he was standing at her eye level.  
“…You’re right.” he said, lifting her chin so that she was looking at him again. “I haven’t seen you in a while, I’m sorry. I’ll take a break from studying, and we can go grab some lunch together, okay?”

She was still a little unsure; he could tell by the way her right hand was held behind her back, left hand holding its wrist. She always did that when she was upset. He had been visiting his family in Osaka for the past two weeks and was fairly behind on projects for School. He needed to catch up as soon as possible but it wasn’t fair to neglect his girlfriend either. A shadow of a smile graced her lips before she leaned closer to his face, planting a chaste kiss on his cheek. He could smell her perfume when she was this close, the sweet scent of vanilla and patchouli comfortingly familiar. She deserved a proper date, but lunch was as close as he could get right now.

They left his dorm together, hands intertwined to combat the crisp Autumn breeze. Autumn used to be one of Yuta’s favourite seasons. The trees were painted in the most beautiful colours he had ever seen, lining the streets with their leaves as they bared. Now, Autumn only served as a bitter reminder of how beautiful colour was, and how he couldn’t see any of it. They were headed toward a coffee-shop only a couple of streets away that they visited regularly. The cafe was nothing overly special; clean and simply decorated it boasted a minimalist, pared-back vibe in all aspects of the store. The floor was a plain wood, along with clean white walls. There were small wooden tables dotted thought the floor, accented by a low-hanging exposed light fixture above each one.

Yuta opened the door for Jihye, holding it as she passed. From the moment they set foot inside the coffee-shop, they could smell the overwhelming aroma of ground coco beans and baked goods. Truthfully Yuta had always thought that coffee-shops were overrated, but Jihye was a fan so he was a regular customer nonetheless.

Jihye let go of Yuta’s arm once they were inside, making her way over to a table by the far window as Yuta went to place their order. He sauntered towards the counter, up to the glass display case embedded within it. It was lit from behind, showcasing an array of sweet treats from muffins to tarts. Yuta picked up a white chocolate muffin for Jihye and pondered what he should buy for himself. Since the world lost colour, food was no longer as appetising as it should be. He wondered how he had ever been excited to eat foods before he saw colour. What good was a chocolate cake if not for its sumptuous brown colour? Or a strawberry if it wasn’t tangy, vibrant red? Foods were all grey now, just like everything else: bland and lifeless.

He let his gaze wander to Jihye as he waited for the barista to get their drinks. Her face was tilted down to look at her phone as she waited, causing her long, straight hair to curtain around her face. He suppressed the urge to curl it behind her ear, allowing him to see her unique features more clearly. She smiled as he took his seat across from her, placing their food on the table. Jihye had such a warm smile, Yuta thought. It was the kind of smile that made you forget about all of those little worries that constantly plagued your mind. Her smile captivated your mind in a way that little else could. Yuta thought he could stare at her smile all day long without getting bored. He wished she would smile more, just as she wished the same of him.

“I’m sorry I haven’t spent more time with you lately.”  
“It’s okay, Yuta.” she replied, a gentle smile on her lips. “I’m sorry I got so upset earlier; I’ve been pretty stressed lately too, and I took it out on you.”  
“Are they working you too hard again?” he frowned. “You can always turn down some jobs, you know that.”  
A soft chuckle emerged from her plush lips. “I know, but I’m okay. I promise.”  
“If you work too hard, you’ll just burn yourself out, Jihye. It’s important to take breaks every now and again.”  
“As if you can talk.” she frowned. “You barely sleep you study so much.”  
Now it was Yuta’s turn to laugh. “It’s med school, there’s no such thing as sleep.”  
A smile stretched across her face once more. He liked that he could make her smile, it made the world feel a little less grey.  
“Why don’t we both take some time off on the weekend then?”  
A playful grin graced Yuta’s face. “A date?”  
“Yeah,” she paused, contemplating how to phrase her next sentence. “The Love Garden is open on Saturday night, you know…”  
“Jihye—”  
“—I know you’ve said you don’t want to go, Yuta, but I always have… I can’t go alone, it’s a Love Garden for fucks sake.” Her soft voice became small and delicate, “I just want so see the colours…”  
If it were under normal circumstances, Yuta would barely have hesitated in refusing, just as he had before. There was something heartbreaking about the way she sounded—so small and hopeful—that made rejecting her so much more difficult. Her eyes were placed firmly on her drink, pupils shaking slightly as she waited for his answer.  
“…I’ll go.” he paused, “But, promise me that if I need to leave, you’ll let me.”  
Her nose wrinkled in confusion, surprised by his sudden, serious tone. “Why would you need to leave?”  
“Just promise me.”  
“…Okay.”

They didn’t speak about much after that, the once light and relaxed atmosphere had been dampened with worry and confusion. They finished their snacks and went their separate ways Yuta walked back to his dorm briskly, wanting to return to the quiet comfort of his dorm as soon as possible. He tried his best to ignore the heavy, sick feeling that was building in the pit of his stomach. It was only Thursday, he had plenty of time before Saturday came around.

When Yuta returned home, he found his dorm was not quite as empty as he would have liked. His roommate Taeyong was now sitting on the old sofa, accompanied by his boyfriend Ten as they watched yet another bad movie on a laptop. He sighed quietly, not in the mood to have to deal with their bubbly, giddy nature.

Taeyong had been friends with Yuta for many years, having first met each other in high school. Yuta had always been reserved by nature, but he was even more stand-offish when he was younger. Taeyong, on the other hand, was of a more talkative, friendly disposition. Yuta moved to Seoul when he was sixteen, just about to start his finally year of high school. He was made the captain of the soccer team only a month after joining, despite his initial refusal. Though Yuta hadn’t wanted to deal with all the attention and responsibility that came with being captain, he was eventually persuaded by Taeyong—the former holder of the position. Although they had largely different personalities, the pair hit it off and became best friends before the first semester was through.

Taeyong grinned as Yuta entered the dorm. “Yuta, you’re back!”  
“Yeah, and since you’re here, I’m gonna leave again.” He joked.  
“Where are you going?”  
“I don’t man, but I need to study.” He said, picking up the textbooks off his desk and placing them into his backpack.  
“Come on, we’ve only just started this movie. Come watch it with us!”  
“As much as I would love to laugh at whatever shitty movie you two want to watch, I have like, three essays due for next week. So… it’s a no from me.”  
Taeyong rolled his eyes at his roommates faux-superiority. Yuta enjoyed watching bad movies with Taeyong far more than he would ever admit. “Fine, but pick up some ramen on the way back, bro. We’re starving!”  
“Have fun studying, Yu!” Ten chimed as Yuta exited the dorm.

Much like with Taeyong, Yuta was actually rather fond of Ten, despite their differences. The boy was bright and bubbly; there was little to dislike. Yuta chuckled to himself as he recalled how nervous Taeyong had been about introducing him to his new Thai boyfriend. Although he was technically younger, Yuta often felt like he was a sort of ‘older brother’ figure in Taeyong’s life. Yuta’s approval mattered a great deal to Taeyong, as did the reverse. With Yuta’s family all the way back in Osaka and Taeyong’s own family being sub-par (to say the least), the pair were more like brothers than friends at all.

Yuta’s walk was a dreary, monotone one. He found little satisfaction in the outdoors nowadays, preferring to reside within the comfort of the indoors. He figured there was less colour to miss out on when inside. The elevator in the girls dorms had been broken for sometime now, so it meant he had to climb up the seven flights of stairs between the ground floor and Jihye’s room. He regretted bringing his coat as tiny, transparent beads of sweat formed on his upper lip. All the heavy textbooks in his backpack weren’t helping, either. He was near exhausted by the time he reached the top, and made a mental note to both get more exercise and catch up on missed sleep. Medical school was incredibly demanding, and he was regularly forced to pull all-nighters, running on little more than a few cups of coffee and some chocolate.

Jihye opened the door to her dorm within moments of Yuta knocking.  
“Yuta!” her eyes widened at the sight of him standing in the hallway before her. “What are you doing here?”  
“Taeyong and Ten are watching more shitty movies, and I still need to study.”  
“Couldn’t you have just gone to the library?”  
“I could have…” A playful smirk spread across his lips.  
“Fine.” She rolled her eyes, “Come on in, you idiot.”

Jihye’s dorm was small, just like his—but it was significantly neater. Yuta wondered if it was because both inhabitants were female, but he figured it had more to do with the fact that neither himself nor Taeyong were commonly prone to cleaning. The dorm was decorated in a simple fashion, with minimal clutter. He always found coming to her dorm relaxing. Jihye’s roommate was quiet too, though she spent more time in the library studying than at home. Jihye joked on several occasions that she was like a female Yuta though Yuta had insisted he was far more attractive.

Yuta plopped himself on the seat by Jihye’s desk, landing his backpack on the ground with a satisfying thud. Jihye took to relaxing on her bed, reading as Yuta studied. The room filled with a comfortable silence, both people occupied and content. Yuta liked spending time here, even if he wasn’t talking to Jihye, her presence was comfort enough. The couple often spent their evenings in a similar manner to today’s, each preforming separate activities, but together nonetheless.

The more time passed, the more Yuta was beginning to regret not just going to the library. He really did try to stay focused on his paper, he swore. He was already behind on his work, the last thing he could afford was to get distracted. But God, Jihye was just so damn distracting.

She was lying on her stomach as she read, propped up on her elbows causing her silky, straight hair to cascade over her shoulders. She wore a plain grey tee accompanied by a check, pleated tennis skirt that was tantalisingly short. The skirt ended just at the top of her smooth thighs, only barely covering what it needed too. Yuta loved when she wore skirts like this—though he wanted them kept for his eyes. He was almost certain she was lying with her back arched to raise her ass ever so slightly into the air, just to tease him. He tried one last time to concentrate on the essay he was supposed to be writing, but his efforts were entirely futile.

Yuta stood up from the desk chair he sat on. Jihye was so engrossed in the novel she was reading that she didn’t even seem to notice as he moved towards the bed. He slowly lowered himself onto the bed beside her, so he was parallel to her on the small bed. She let out a slight gasp in surprise before shifting her weight so that she was now leaning on her side, head facing his. Yuta couldn’t help his gaze falling in the direction of her lips. She had some sort of peach lip gloss on, Yuta didn’t quite know what it was, but he did know that it was driving him absolutely crazy. She was so close that he could smell her shampoo as well, a sweet scent of apple that made him dizzy. Neither of them said anything, but Jihye slowly placed the book she was reading down, allowing Yuta to catch a glimpse of the title: “Incandescent Lovers”. A low chuckle escaped Yuta’s lips. It was another one of those cheesy smut novels she loved to read, and judging by the deep blush that spread across her cheeks, she was enjoying it too.

Her heart was beating faster and faster, her chest rising and falling at an increased pace with every deep breath she took. He leaned his face closer towards hers, causing her eyes to flutter closed in anticipation. A teasing smirk graced his lips, moving so that he was now hovering inches above her, his long legs intertwined with her own lean limbs. Her breath was becoming restless now, much like his own. He leaned down slowly, head tilting as he teasingly licked along her bottom lip. Her breath hitched at the contact, then Yuta moved back to his hovering position. Jihye’s eyes opened so that she was looking up at him through her long lashes. She was confused at first, but after seeing his tantalising grin, she simply rolled her eyes before wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him in for a breathless kiss.

The kiss was heated and passionate, but not rushed. Their lips moved over one another's slowly and desperately, breathing each other in. Jihye’s hands moved so they were rested on his chest, with his arms now holding her waist, pulling her closer. Her mouth was hot against his, both gasping for air. Yuta shifted his weight so that his body was pressed against hers, a low throaty groan escaping his lips as his hips ground into hers. His mind fell blank with pleasure as he kissed her harder, teeth colliding and tongues tangling. Yuta moved his mouth to her neck, slowly licking and sucking along the sensitive skin. Jihye’s hands slid underneath Yuta’s shirt, fingers tracing along his toned stomach as she moaned at his touch.

He moved to kiss Jihye again, her mouth tasted so sweet he wished he could kiss her forever. Jihye’s hands found the hems of his t-shirt, tugging it upwards. Yuta smirked as he pulled away, happy to oblige. He had only lifted his shirt halfway up his chest when they were interrupted by an abrupt knock on the door. Yuta winced at the disturbance before groggily getting up. He sat on the end of the bed, pulling his shirt back on as Jihye went to answer the door.  
“Hey, sorry I forgot my keys,. Thank god you were here!” Miyoung, Jihye’s roommate strode into the room, Yuta cursing her existence under his breath. Upon entering the dorm she took a better look at the pair. Their hair was dishevelled, much like their clothes—their skin hot and flushed as they took deep, shaky breaths.  
“Shit. Sorry. Did I… interrupt something?”  
Jihye let out a sigh, “It’s fine, we were gonna leave anyway. Right, Yuta?”  
“Uh, yeah… I guess?”  
Still dazed, Yuta stood up from the bed, trailing after Jihye.  
“Let’s just go for a walk.” She smiled. “It’s so pretty outside this time of year, especially now that the sun has set.”

The pair held hands as they walked, travelling at a slow, steady pace through the streets surrounding the campus. The sky had dimmed, now cast in the warm glow of the street lamps. Most people had stayed indoors to avoid the looming rain, leaving the streets quiet. The clouds above them looked melancholy and weighted, threatening to release their reservoirs any second. They were an ominous presence, one that Yuta hoped would leave, as they were beginning to make him uncomfortable. They walked for quite some time, discussing trivial matters as time passed. Content in simply being beside each other, the couple had always been a fan of simplicity. For the most part, they spoke forthrightly, and acted as they pleased. Jihye was, much like Yuta, an independent soul: not one to live life on someone else’s terms. This fact often caused disagreements and bickering similar to that of the earlier morning.

Yuta distantly remembered the day he introduced Jihye to Taeyong. It was on a dreary evening sometime last July, the hot summer’s air filled with a heavy humidity that made four in the morning feel like midday. Taeyong had told Yuta that the couple should meet him and Ten by the Han River, and they would go get some dinner. Yuta spent far more time than he was willing to admit on getting dressed, trying to calm his nerves. He wanted to look good for Jihye of course, but that evening was even more important to Yuta than a regular date. Yuta cared what Jihye thought of Taeyong—a lot in fact—but truthfully he cared much more about Taeyong’s opinion of Jihye. She was the first girl he had dated since his ex, so he was more vulnerable than ever. Taeyong took over Yuta’s role as ‘older brother’ during times like that.

Taeyong was usually a rather expressive person, but Yuta was certain he could never forget the look on Taeyong’s face when Yuta showed up alone. As soon as Taeyong saw him walking through the park by himself, his face contorted into a look of such sadness and disappointment that it almost broke Yuta’s heart to witness. Yuta gave a bright smile, telling Taeyong not to worry as Jihye had said she would meet them all here. Yuta had offered multiple times to pick her up—he had a car after all, gifted to him by his parents when he moved. Jihye had, however, refused profusely, insisting she would make her own way there. To this day he didn’t quite understand that stubbornness of hers, but over time he leaned to accept it. She liked to do things for herself, and would often refuse help, even over trivial matters.

The pair wondered some more before Jihye eventually suggested that they stop in the park. They took seats on a bench near the pond, their legs thanking them for the rest. Comfortable silence filled the air for a few minutes until Jihye moved so she was lying on the bench next to him, her head resting on his lap, eyes closed. Her hair sprayed out from beneath her like a wave, cascading down Yuta’s legs. Instinctively he reached out, gently stroking the strands, brushing the stray ones from her face.  
“Yuta?” she hummed.  
“Mm?”  
“What’s your favourite colour?”  
His stiffened instantly, though he tried his best to contain it, so as not to alarm Jihye. He stayed silent for a minute until her eyes fluttered open. She had such big eyes, with a strong captivating gaze unlike any other’s. She appeared so strong—so powerful, and yet so breakable all at once. Yuta was used to girls that were delicate, but Jihye’s strong exterior only made her vulnerability seem even more prevalent. He needed to come up with answer, but to be honest it had been so long he was beginning to forget which ones he liked the most.  
“Mine is the colour of the sky.” A soft smile spread across her face. “What’s that called again?”  
“Blue.” He exhaled, realising he hadn’t breathed since he heard her question.  
“Yeah, blue. It’s so beautiful.” She lifted her hand, reaching out as if she could touch the clouds. “You know, before I saw colour, I didn’t understand just how beautiful the sky was. I never noticed that it changed colour so much; it was just a grey mass above us, only changing from dark to light. But now? Every time you look at it it’s different. The sky is so many colours too, not just blue! It’s… pink?” she paused, “Yeah, pink. Red too!”

It took everything of Yuta to hide how her words made his heart hurt. Hearing the way she spoke about the sky only made him wish he could look at it alongside her. He dreamed of lying beside her, gazing up at the stars together, both seeing the same beautiful sky.  
“It must be wonderful for you, too! Now that I’ve seen colour, I can’t imagine what it would be like to go back to grey. It must be such a great feeling to see it again after all those years…”

Yuta felt his heart plummet into the depths of his stomach, letting go of Jihye’s hand for fear of her noticing how clammy his had become. She offered a bright, innocent smile, and—in that moment, Yuta was certain he was the worst person alive.


	2. Chapter 2

Taeyong lay sprawled on the rug just in front of the sofa, legs and arms akimbo. The rug was cheap, as were all of their furnishings, given their student-sized budget. Although Taeyong insisted the rug gave the room “character”, everybody knew it was only there to conceal the stain from the time Taeyong had too much to drink and ended up vomiting all over the carpet. If the inspectors ever looked under there, they’d be in for a hefty fine.

Yuta knew he was saying something—and he should definitely be listening—but he just couldn’t bring himself to focus on the words. He heard the sounds coming from his mouth, but it was just a drone in the background, masked by his own overflowing thoughts. All through his life, Yuta wished that time would move more slowly. This was a wish that was more prevalent now than ever. He had only hours left until he needed to pick up Jihye for their date, but those hours were slipping by much too fast for his liking.

“You’re really not listening to a word I’m saying are you.” Taeyong sighed, noticing the vacant expression on Yuta’s face.  
“Sorry. Um, go on? I listen I promise.”  
Taeyong sighed, looking away. “It’s fine. I’ll ask Ten later instead.”  
Yuta bit his inner lip. Sometimes he felt like they were becoming distant, neither having much free time to spend with each other, and now Yuta wasn’t even paying attention.  
“I’m sorry, Ty.”  
“It’s okay, bro.”  
“Um, can I ask your thoughts on something?”  
Taeyong nodded in response.  
“I’m meeting Jihye later; we’re going on a date.”  
“…okay?”  
“To the Love Garden—the one by the river, downtown.”  
Taeyong paused for a moment, recollecting some very old memories.  
“Is that the one you went to with Ayane?”  
“Yeah.”  
He grumbled in dissatisfaction. “…Shit, man.”  
Yuta’s voice changed to a small, wavering whisper. “I’m scared.”

 

~~~~~~

As soon as Yuta opened the door to Jihye’s dorm, she took his breath away. Her hair was curled, it long, shiny strands gathered into a messy ponytail. She donned Yuta’s favourite pair of skinny jeans (that had to be deliberate), hugging her hips so perfectly, along with a plain baseball tee and sneakers. She was dress so simply, and yet the mere sight of her left him speechless.

_‘Perhaps I’ll get through this, if she’s with me.’_ he thought.

They took the subway, and for once Yuta was thankful for the business surrounding them, as it meant his quietness went mostly unnoticed. The further along the subway line they travelled, the less Yuta could think straight. It had been so long since he was there, but it had also been a long time since it happened. He had been okay these past couple years, especially since he met Jihye. Being with her helped him—so much. He slept through the whole night, and the nightmares were minimal. But it that was mainly because he didn’t think about _her_. Jihye was the perfect distraction, but there was no was she could distract him if they were _there_.

Yuta doubted there was a couple on Earth that didn’t go to a Love Garden as soon as they saw colour—everyone dreamed of it—and Yuta couldn’t blame them: they were stunning. It was the kind of beauty that was indescribable with simple words. It stemmed more from the experience and the person you visited it with than it did from the garden itself. Sure they were pretty, but the hype was caused by the concept: to visit it together with your soulmate after you finally realise you loved each other. Yuta had been to one before, and it was one of his best memories, but the thought of having to set foot in it again scared him like little else could. It was a pleasant memory, but it brought back so much else that he tried to hard to forget.

As they arrived at the Love Garden, they were instantly met by two overly cheery workers, who whisked them away from each other before they had any chance to object. The girl smelled sickly sweet and it made him feel nauseous. She pulled him briskly through the crowd and pushed him into a small booth. It took a moment for his vision to adjust to the lack of light, but as soon as it did he realised just where he was. It had been so long since he was here, he had completely forgotten that this even existed. Yuta’s heart raced at the sight of the small, electronic panel embedded in the wall.

How could he possibly have forgotten? The Love Gardens were designed for couples—no, soulmates. They didn’t just let anybody inside. First you needed to prove that you really could see colours, and this proof came in the form of a test. His mind blanked as he approached the box with heavy feet. If he failed the test, it would be all over. Jihye would know the truth.

The touch screen flickered to life as he touched it, presenting him with two images of almost identical balloons, labelled “1” and “2”. Above the images was some text:

> _Which one of these images is **BLUE**?_
> 
> _— 1 or — 2_
> 
> _ANSWER: ______
> 
>  

Yuta was sure he knew what blue looked like, even if he couldn’t see it anymore. The sky was blue, and so was the sea. One of the images was a slightly darker grey than the other. He tentatively pushed the button for image number two. He could feel his palms clam up as he waited for the machine to respond. It stayed still for a few nerve-wrecking moments before it flickered to show conformation that his answer was correct. Yuta wanted to breathe a sigh of relief—but really, he was far from relieved.

 

~~~~~~

 

Yuta’s cursed his hand as it shook, reaching out to hand the cash to the attendant. The booth was small and cramped, with ripped, crumpled fliers scattered all over. The boy inside looked barely eighteen, with a mop of curly hair hanging over his face, grazing his eyelashes. He had pale, flushed cheeks that were dotted with small freckles. He wore a t-shirt a few sizes too big, with a clashing striped turtleneck underneath. His appearance was odd, to say the least.  
“You alright there mate?” The boy’s voice sounded hoarse and breathy, the pointy corners of his lips curling into a teasing smile.  
Yuta huffed, unwelcoming. “I’m just cold.”  
Hearing this Jihye moved closer, wrapping both her arms around Yuta’s shoulders. His muscles relaxed instantly at her soothing touch.  
The boy smirked now, wiggling his busy eyebrows at Yuta. “Don’t worry mate, you won’t be cold for long—not with a girl like that in a place like this.”  
Jihye chuckled at his remark, but Yuta felt his blood boil. Jihye was beautiful—he knew better than anybody, but that didn’t mean he was okay with guys hitting on her right in front of him. He scowled, yanking the tickets from the guy’s hands.

“Are you jealous?” she said, tapping his cheek.  
He leaned down, nuzzling his face into her neck.“Yes, I am.” he said, hot breath tickling her skin.  
She let out a content sigh at the contact before gently prying him off her. “As cute as it is so see you like this, you don’t need to worry. We’re soulmates, remember?”

_‘Soulmates only means that we’re supposed to be together,’_ Yuta thought, _‘not that we will be.’_

Yuta remained silent, offering only a slight nod in conformation.

_‘Ayane was my soulmate too.’_

Thankfully, Jihye didn’t seem to notice anything off, guiding Yuta towards the dark tunnel that was the entrance to the Love Garden. Yuta felt a knot form deep in his stomach as they entered. As soon they set foot inside the tunnel, the door shut behind them. Jihye shuffled closer to him, unable to see in the newfound darkness. Jihye had always been afraid of the dark, ever since she was small. In fact, she still needs a night-light to sleep. A small voice in the back of his mind was telling Yuta he needed to comfort her, but it was drowned out by the countless other conflicting thoughts he was suffocating under. Neither spoke as they walked through, yet each of their silences were for very different reasons. Once they reached the end Jihye hesitantly moved forward, glancing back at Yuta before she pushed the heavy door open.

As the door opened, they were blinded by the sudden influx of so much light. Yuta exhaled, letting out a breath he didn’t realise he had been holding. Just as his vision re-adjusted, he heard Jihye gasp suddenly beside him. Everything was the same as he remembered. Well, almost. In front of them was a long pathway lined with arches above. Woven into the arches were flowers which, if Yuta remembered correctly, were in dozens of different colours. There were countless fairy-lights intertwined with the flowers, brighter than anything he had seen anywhere else. Too many memories came flooding back to Yuta all at once. He felt dizzy and sick all at once. Everything was so bright, so blinding—it was overwhelming. He couldn’t help but think back to the first time he visited this place, and how enamoured he had been by it. He had never been happier than at that time. But now everything was just white—blinding and colourless—and it made him sick.

“It’s so beautiful, Yuta…” His thoughts were cut off by the sound of Jihye’s soft voice, little more than a low, airy whisper.  
Yuta was thankful that she was in such awe of the colours that she didn’t notice him. She moved forward, walking towards the end of the path. There, it expanded into a large, meadow like clearing. Jihye moved to go sit by the small pond in the centre since most of the other couples were gathered by the flowers instead.

“I finally understand why everybody visits this place. It’s so… magical, isn’t it?” she said, pulling on his arm, guiding him to sit beside her in the soft grass. He tripped over his own two feet, landing on the ground with a weighted thud. Yuta was slipping, sliding, stumbling out of control. He was fading—fast—and he wasn’t sure he had the strength to keep it together for much longer. There was a reason he didn’t to come here, and his worst fears were being confirmed. His skin felt like it was burning—charring under the blinding white lights. His breathing was erratic—hell, was he even breathing at all? Being here was too hard, it reminded of too many things he had tried to forget.

All he could think about was her face; it haunted his thoughts no matter how hard he tried to ignore it. He saw he smooth, porcelain skin and big brown eyes boring straight into his. He saw the blood pouring her face, oozing from the deep gash on the top of her head. The blood flowed through her hair, matting it into a horrifying mop that clung to her colourless cheeks. She was so beautiful, but the mere sight of her face made Yuta sick. He should never have come here, it was too much—

“—Yuta! Jesus fucking Christ, are you okay?” her voice sounded muffled to him, like he was underwater.  
He gasped for air as he felt his throat tighten, unable to breathe correctly. All he could see was blood.  
“What’s wrong?” She reached out to hold him, but he instantly recoiled at the touch. Jihye let go, now understanding the situation. She didn’t touch him, but stayed by his side.  
“Yuta, take deep breaths, okay?” her voice was much more gentle now, and he tried to focus on the sound and follow her instructions. “…In… and out… That’s it, nice and slow.”

She stayed like that, guiding him, until he finally felt like he could breathe again—but that was when the tears started. He wasn’t panicking now—not anymore—but he was still shaking violently and his surroundings were blurry. He sobbed and sobbed and wasn’t able to control it, which only made him cry harder. Jihye wrapped her arms around his shoulders now that he had calmed down, holding him securely. Yuta clutched her tightly for support as he wept. He cried until he had no tears left, convulsing yet no tears were falling.

Both of them under and oppressive silence for some time, neither knowing what to say, until eventually Yuta spoke up.  
“…I’m so sorry Jihye…”  
“There’s absolutely no reason to apologise, Yuta; you did nothing wrong—”  
“—No, you don’t understand…” he stammered. “I… lied to you.”  
She did not speak, waiting with large, innocent eyes begging him to continue.  
“I’m sorry, oh God I’m sorry…” he whispered, still shaking. “When you told me, you looked so incredibly happy—I couldn’t do it.”  
Jihye’s eyebrows furrowed as she leaned in. “You couldn’t do what? Jesus man spit it out.”  
“I never meant to lie, I swear. But then it was too late, and I couldn’t tell you.”  
“What the fuck are you talking about?” she cried.  
“I can’t see them, Jihye.” Yuta’s voice lowered to little more than a whisper. “I can’t see the colours.”

The moment her mind processed his words, she froze; her muscles stiffened and her face hardened. Yuta knew she was trying to hide what she was feeling. She always did that—she tried to disconnect herself so that nobody knew what she was thinking. Yuta always saw it though; he could see the way her eyes glazed over as she closed herself off, and the way her arms folded over her chest forming a protective cage. Suddenly, her eyes darkened.  
“So does that mean—”  
“—No, Jihye. I love you, I really do.”  
“Clearly, you don’t!” she shouted, standing up.  
Her sudden outburst left him speechless. When he was about to speak up, it was already too late.  
“Maybe we’re not really soulmates.”  
“Don’t say that.” He pleaded, squeezing his eyes shut.

She said nothing more before she walked away, leaving Yuta alone in the sea of colourless lights. She left, and he didn’t attempt to stop her. He knew this was all his fault. Yuta caused this, he ruined _everything_ —just like he always did.


	3. Chapter 3

Taeyong reached for his phone once more, unlocking the screen. It was pointless, he knew. The had been on the table right in front of him the entire time, his narrow unfaltering gaze focused on it. Ten stirred from the movement, waking from his half-asleep state, nuzzling closer towards Taeyong’s warmth. There were still no new messages, so Taeyong placed the phone back onto the scuffed coffee table with reluctance.  
“Baby,” Ten purred, his voice low and croaky from the nap, “looking at it again won't change anything.”  
Taeyong grumbled in response, leaving Ten to chuckle against his neck. “You’re behaving like a new mother—and as much as it’s adorable, you need to stop worrying. He’s a grown ass man, I’m sure he’s fine.”  
“I know,” Taeyong breathed, “but something doesn’t seem right… He should be home by now.”  
“You’re sure he isn’t staying over at her place?”  
“You should have seen him before he left, Ten. He was as white as a sheet, I thought he would pass out.”  
“What is it he’s so freaked out about? I don’t understand…”  
Taeyong shifted under Ten’s weight, allowing him to straighten his back. The position they sat in had been hurting for a while now, but Ten was asleep and he hadn’t wanted to disturb him.  
“…It’s a long story.”

Ten stood up with a huff, rubbing sleep from his eyes as he shuffled towards the refrigerator. Taeyong couldn’t help but smile at the way his boyfriends small frame hunched over the fridge, his soft features illuminated by its glowing light. His hair looked so smooth and silky; Taeyong desperately wanted to run his hands through it.  
“You really think there’s something wrong?” called Ten.  
Taeyong picked up the phone to look at it one more time. “It’s almost two a.m…. He should be home by now.”  
“Well, what should we do?” Ten rose from the fridge with a plateful of leftovers from their dinner from earlier that day.  
“I’m gonna go check a couple places, see if he’s around.”  
“Tae, it’s already dark out… It isn’t safe to go out wondering in the middle of the night.”  
Taeyong the grabbed the jacket that was thrown over the back of the seat, shrugging it on. ‘Is this even my jacket?’  
“I’ll be fine, I won’t stay out too long. Just for a bit, I promise.”  
Ten sighed, knowing any further protests were futile. “Fine, but make sure you text me if anything happens. I’ll be worried if you just disappear.”  
“I’ll be back soon.” Taeyong planted a soft his on his boyfriend’s forehead, before he shoved his keys deep into his pockets, running out the door.

 

~~~~~

 

Taeyong secretly liked to pride himself on the thought that he was closer to Yuta than anybody in the country—a true fact. The only people who knew Yuta as well as his best friend did were Yuta’s family. Given that he’s lived with Yuta for the past two years, Taeyong thinks he knows more. Yuta took a long time to open up to him—he hadn’t even wanted to be friends at first. However, after being friends for so many years, little secrecy existed between them. One thing Taeyong was sure of: the guy hadn’t been blessed with the best sense of direction. As a result, when Yuta came to Korea he usually travelled to the same few places. Fortunately for Taeyong, this meant that when upset, there was only a handful of places Yuta would be. Taeyong knew where to find Yuta. The real question lay in whether he wanted to be found at all.

Taeyong checked 24-Hour convenience store around the corner from their dorm first. It had a microwave and a couple of plastic chairs in the back where you could sit and eat ramen. It was a rather unceremonious spot, but they sold Yuta’s favourite type of ramen so it wasn’t uncommon for him to sneak out in the middle of the night for a snack. The store offered a nice escape from the bone-chilling cold outside. But, much to Taeyong’s dismay, there was no sign of Yuta.

Taeyong’s next destination was Jihye’s dorm. It should have been the most likely place for Yuta to be, but something told Taeyong that he wouldn’t find him here. Taeyong thought it too unlikely that Yuta would stay over there after something presumably as stressful as the past evening. Not checking her dorm would have been nonsensical, so there he headed—however unlikely it may have been he was there. He had tried calling Jihye, but she wasn’t answering his calls, just like Yuta.

He started off jogging up the stairs, but slowed to a brisk walk halfway up. When he arrived, he heard no sounds coming from within her dorm and the hallway was just as silent. Given the time of night, Taeyong made sure not to make too much noise as he gently rasped on the door. He stayed still for a few moments, but when there was no response he grew impatient. Taeyong was in a hurry, the least she could do would be open the fucking door. He knocked with more force this time, but it ended coming out as more of a bang than a knock. He winced at the harsh sound, but since he heard something stir inside, it must have done the trick. The door opened moments later, to reveal a face Taeyong didn’t recognise.  
“Why the fuck are you banging on our door in the middle of the night?” she groaned. She was wearing a pair of striped pyjama shorts, along with a baggy cream tee. Her hair was messy and there were no lights on inside.  
“Sorry for disturbing you… I’m a friend of Yuta’s—Jihye’s boyfriend,” he added, just in case he had the wrong dorm, “Is he here?”  
She rubbed sleep from her eyes, still squinting from the bright light in the hallway. “No? Jihye said she was going out to meet him earlier, but she came back alone, I haven’t seen him.” The girl glanced into the room behind her before lowering her voice, “She looked kinda upset when she came home though… She went straight to sleep, didn’t say a word. Did something happen?”  
Taeyong exhaled, shaking his head. “I don’t know… Yuta hasn’t come home yet, I’m trying to find him.”  
The girl nodded in understanding, closing the door softly behind her.

Taeyong had only just made it back outside when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. His heart skipped as he yanked it out, hoping it was a message from Yuta.

_“Hey baby, have you found him yet? Don’t stay out too much longer. Stay safe!!_   
_\- Ten xxx”_

Taeyong bit his lip, realise he was disappointed to get a text from his boyfriend. He shoved the phone back into his pocket without replying. He needed to find Yuta as quickly as possible, and he was almost certain where he was. If Jihye was upset, then something had definitely happened. His breath formed white, puffy clouds as it left his mouth, and his hands were almost numb from the icy cold. It took Taeyong almost fifteen minutes to reach the pitches behind the sports building. This was the last place Taeyong planned to look. Yuta always came here when he was upset or angry and didn’t want to come home, if he wasn’t there, Taeyong wouldn’t know where else to find him.

Another white cloud rose form Taeyong’s lips as he breathed a long sigh of relief as he neared the pitch. He could already make out the blurry figure he was sure was Yuta. Unfortunately, the relief was short lived. Yuta was hunched up in one corner of the goal, and as Taeyong reached the edge of the pitch, he could hear the quiet whimpers coming from the boy. Taeyong hesitantly walked closer, and Yuta soon noticed his presence. When Yuta lifted his face from his knees, Taeyong could see his eyes were swollen and red. The whites in his eyes that were usually so bright and sparkly were now a dull pink, bloodshot and rubbed dry; he was a mess.  
“I fucked everything up Tae,” Yuta spoke, his voice little more than a shaky breath. “…I hurt her.”

Taeyong wanted to say something, ask him if he was okay, or tell him he was there—but it had been so long since he saw Yuta looking so vulnerable that the words got caught in his throat. He moved closer, lowering himself so he crouched beside Yuta, before he wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “What happened?”  
It took Yuta a few moments to answer, but Taeyong understood, and was willing to wait. “I thought I would be okay, I really did. When we got there, I just… freaked. I don’t even know what happened, but I couldn’t stop seeing Ayanae’s face. Even when I closed my eyes, she was right there; staring back at me. Then she started bleeding, and I just couldn’t bare to see it again.”  
“Then what?” Taeyong felt his mouth run dry, and a uncomfortable feeling formed in his stomach.  
“I told her,” he croaked, “I told her I couldn’t see colour, and now she thinks I don’t love her.”  
“…Do you?” It was a question Taeyong felt bad asking Yuta in a state like this, but it was one that Yuta needed to ask himself.  
“I do.” Yuta’s voice sounded firmer now. “I swear. I love her just like I loved Ayane. That’s why I don’t understand. Why can’t I see them?”  
Taeyong squeezed Yuta’s shoulder lightly as he spoke. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

A heavy silence formed between them. Taeyong desperately wished he could say something to comfort Yuta, but he knew there was nothing that would make him feel better right now. Yuta’s breath finally began to settle, and he was so still that if Taeyong didn’t know any better, he’d think Yuta was asleep.  
“Do you think we’re really soulmates?”  
Taeyong let out a deep sigh, unsure of exactly what to respond with. “Yuta, you know that’s a question I can’t answer...”

Yuta nodded mildly in response. He hadn’t really been expecting an answer, but it felt nice to get the question of his chest. It was a possibility he did not want to consider, but he was well aware of how rare it was to get a second soulmate. When he was younger, his sister had been obsessed with one of those teen romance movies, so much so that to this day he could still remember the story clearly. It was about a girl who’s soulmate had cancer. They were madly in love, so she got to see in colour for some time, but her soulmate ended up dying, leaving her to live out the rest of her life in monotone grey, alone. It sickened Yuta to think about how similar that movie he hated from all those years ago was to his own life.

 

~~~~~~

 

As soon as Taeyong opened the door to the dorm, a very concerned Ten wrapped its way around his waist, clinging to him.  
“Did you find him?” he squeaked, “Is he okay?”  
Yuta stepped into the dorm, revealing himself. Ten breathed out a long sigh of relief, prying himself off of Taeyong. Yuta could tell he was overflowing with questions, but he didn’t feel like talking to anybody right now.  
Yuta cleared his throat before he spoke. “…I’m gonna go to bed.”  
They nodded in response. It was late, and neither of them wanted to disturb him. He brushed passed them, slowly easing his way onto the firm mattress of his bed. A shiver ran up Yuta’s spine as he wrapped the large blanket around himself. He sidled up to the smooth wall, huddled into the duvet for warmth. It was nice to lie there, without thinking. His legs and arms were fatigued, and he was most likely dehydrated too. Despite all this, he simply couldn’t sleep. His head was in too much pain, and he still couldn’t think straight.

Taeyong and Ten took to cuddling on Taeyong’s bed, talking quietly amongst themselves before they went to sleep. Yuta turned so that he was facing the wall and tried to keep his breaths sounding as steady and even as possible. After a while, their hushed whispers grew to quiet mutterings, loud enough for Yuta to hear across the room. ‘They must think I’m asleep’, Yuta thought.

“Where was he?” Ten’s voice was soft and small, not wanting to wake the boy they were discussing.  
“The soccer pitch.”  
“Makes sense.”  
“He asked me if I thought they were really soulmates.”  
Ten paused for a moment before he responded, “Shit… What did you say?”  
“I didn’t answer.”Taeyong wrapped his arms around Ten’s waist from behind, resting his head on Ten’s shoulder. “Should I have just said they are?”  
Ten shook his head, causing his jet black silky hair to fall around his eyes. “No, that wouldn’t be fair. He’d have to be incredibly lucky to get two.”

Yuta tried to hide how his breath hitched at their words, curling further into the blanket. He tried to ignore the sick, sinking feeling in the bottom of his stomach, squeezing his eyes shut as he begged for sleep.


End file.
